


At a Loss

by SwordRunner



Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Alteration, Psychological Trauma, Speculative, The Aertith/Tifa is very slight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23758966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwordRunner/pseuds/SwordRunner
Summary: Zack Fair faced off against an army on a cliff overlooking Midgar. He fought and fought and died.Zack Fair faced off against an army on a cliff overlooking Midgar. He fought and fought and survived.Cloud has two sets of memories, and he isn’t sure how to handle it. In which Cloud has his identity crisis and gets his memories back in order significantly earlier, thanks to a cosmic retcon.
Relationships: Aerith Gainsborough & Cloud Strife, Aerith Gainsborough/Tifa Lockhart, Tifa Lockhart & Cloud Strife, Zack Fair & Cloud Strife
Comments: 21
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

The gentle patter of rain on his face was soothing, relaxing. Especially after the insanity of the last few hours. Days, if he was being honest. 

When was the last time he’d even felt rain? The last time he felt rain…. the last time was.... 

He couldn’t quite dredge up a memory, but felt he must’ve experienced rainfall sometime recently. Outside the city? But he hadn’t been outside the city in quite a while. A migraine began to throb behind his eyes, he abandoned the thoughts. Must’ve been a dream. 

The light rainfall, complimenting the dusty pink sunrise, was a breath of freedom after the cramped city streets. The outside world was gorgeous. Or, well, as gorgeous as a barren wasteland could be. Cloud hadn’t realized how much he had missed the sky. The presence of the plate had been subtly oppersive, making him feel antsy and caged. 

He knew Barret, Tifa, and Red must be feeling just as relieved. None of them were native to the undercity. 

He glanced at Aerith, wondering how she was taking it. Unlike her, he had grown up with the sky. Long evenings spent stargazing, taking the warmth of sunlight for granted. She’d never had that experience, living first in a Shinra facility and then under the plate. She was most comfortable under the steel sky of the plate.

Where everyone else was smiling and laughing, having shed the weight of the city, Aerith was much more hesitant. Her smiles had a brittle edge to them, hinting at the turmoil she felt. 

He was glad when Tifa seemed to realize something was up, and stuck a little closer to Aerith. She could use some support, and Cloud knew he wasn’t any good at it. He could never get the words right, and Aerith required far more physical comfort than he was comfortable giving. He didn’t do hugs, or hand-holding, not easily. 

The world felt knew, brimming with possibility. They had defeated fate itself, allowing history to take whatever course was made, for good or ill. Cloud hoped it would be for the better, was confident that they could make it better. 

Cloud sighed. When had he gotten so invested in AVALANCHE’s goal? He had ditched Shinra and it’s corruption to live the uncomplicated life of a merc, not involve himself in a global environmental revolution. But, somewhere along the lines he had begun to care about these people. Helping them began to feel like the right thing to do, money or no. 

Well, he couldn’t very well go back to Midgar now. And, Sephiroth was clearly a threat to him personally, as well as the planet. He couldn’t deny he felt a pull, to track down the man and end this once and for all. 

Suddenly, the dull ache in his head exploded into a piercing pain. Cloud doubled over with a cry, clutching his head. Dimly, he could hear the others panicking and rushing to him, but it felt distant.

A series of images flashed before him. A dark haired man, lying in a puddle of mud. Mud? No, blood. It stained his face and matted his hair. Cloud could feel his own clothes, sodden with water from the downpour. He shivered in the cold. His body felt unruly, out of control, like it didn’t quite belong to him. Unfamiliar. 

The man below him coughed, and Cloud felt dread at the wet sound.There was blood in his lungs. A wave of grief threatened to overwhelm him. The man spoke, and tried to give Cloud a reassuring smile, but Cloud couldn’t make out the words. A sword was placed in his hands, passed along to him.

He remembered a long, painful, lonely trek across the wastes. His steps had become mechanical, his only goal was to reach Midgar. Get to Midgar and things would be alright. The weight of the sword on his back was comforting. Why did he have the man’s sword? No, it must be his sword. That’s right, he was a SOLDIER, he had a sword. This was his sword. 

Just as swiftly as they had come, the images faded away taking the pain with them, leaving Cloud gasping on the ground. His stomach heaved as his brain tried to comprehend what he had seen. It _felt_ like a memory, hazy at the edges. But, it couldn’t be a memory. Who was that man? What was going on? 

He tried to grasp for more details, but the more he tried the more they faded, leaving him only with vague impressions. He could recall the overwhelming grief and a pair of mako-blue eyes, SOLDIER eyes. 

“-oud! CLOUD!” Suddenly, Cloud registered someone was calling his name. 

He glanced up, meeting Tifa’s frightened eyes. Her warm hand rested on his back, and he suddenly became aware of how chilled he was. The light rainfall had seeped into the thick cotton of his shirt. 

“Tifa?” He croaked. 

The rawness of his voice startled him. Had he been crying out? He could feel a burn in his throat. 

“Oh thank goodness.” Tifa said, but the worry didn’t leave her eyes. “What’s wrong? How can I help?” 

Cloud glanced around, taking in his surroundings. Barret and Red were a short distance away, behind Tifa. They shifted anxiously, clearly at a loss.

Aerith was on his other side, her face creased with a frown. 

“I’m fi-” He began, before another sharp spike of pain caused him to break off his words. 

More images began to flash, but they felt foreign. Different from before. Not like old memories dragged to the front of his mind, but like new memories pretending to be older.

The same dark haired man, speaking softly to him. The words were incomprehensible, but the tone was one of relief. The man’s face was streaked with gore and grime, but he wore a blinding grin.

A trek across the wastes, the man keeping Cloud upright. The city of Midgar loomed on the horizon. The man chattered cheerfully the entire time, nonsense words to Cloud’s sluggish mind. 

The inside of a room, a run down Inn. Somehow Cloud knew they were in the slums somewhere. Nothing above the plate was quite so dismal. 

The man’s face came into view. His smile was softer, his face clean of grime. 

“Heya Spike, you with me?” Cloud could finally make out his words.

“We’re in Sector 6 right now. I wanted to go see Aerith, but figured that might not actually be a great idea right away. We need to get you back onto your feet first, before we bring a bunch of trouble her way.” The man gave Cloud’s shoulder a squeeze before ducking out of his vision.

Cloud turned his head slowly, and watched as the man took a whetstone to Cloud’s sword. His sword? No, the sword belonged to this man, it was never Cloud’s. 

“Listen man, I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved I am that you’re becoming more and more lucid. I knew it would only be a matter of time after I got you somewhere safe!” The delight was palpable in his voice.

“Hey Cloud, I have to go out for a bit. I’m meeting with a contact for a potential job. A nice change of pace, I’ve been asked to help an old lady fix some things around the house. Not my usual work, but I can’t say that I mind not being asked to kill something for once. I’m gonna leave my sword here, so I don’t scare her. I’ll be back by sunset!” He gave Cloud a wink, leaning the sword against the wall. Then he ducked out the door.

Shortly after, Cloud managed to find the strength to stand. He stretched, reacquainting himself with his body. Things felt… weird. There was an unnatural strength to his muscles, one he wasn’t used to. His mind still felt sluggish, slow, catching on things.

He picked up the sword. Once, it had felt unbearably heavy and cumbersome. Now, it was a comfortable weight in his hands. 

Cloud swung it once, twice, three times. Then, he placed it on his back, and walked out the door. 

No, that couldn’t be right, could it? 

Cloud was a SOLDIER 1st class. The sword was his. But, where did he get it from? Who gave it to him in the first place? It definitely wasn’t the standard issue blade given to SOLDIERs. 

He left Shinra, fed up with their corruption. But, how come he couldn’t remember just what made him decide that. There had been the incident at Nibelheim, of course. Sephiroth burning down the town, going on a rampage. Shinra’s most decorated hero, slaughtering countless innocents. Cloud had killed him.

But that had been 5 years ago. What happened after that? _Why couldn’t he remember?_

He had been in the slums, looking for work as a merc. Alone. So, who was this man?

Nothing made sense, nothing connected. Cloud felt a deep dread settle over him and he realized how many holes were in his memory. _How hadn’t he noticed?_ How could he be missing 5 years of his life and _not realize._

The more he thought about it, the more certain he was that this man was tied into it somehow. But, who was he? And, did Cloud even want answers? The thought that he might be told that he wasn’t who he thought he was, that his identity was a lie, was chilling.

What was the man’s name? If only he could remember. It would give him something. He could feel it, on the edges of his mind. Slipping out of his grasp. What was his name whatwashisnameWHATWASHISNAME.

“Zack!” Cloud shot upright with a shout. 

He heard an answering shout, and the _thump_ of a body hitting the floor. 

His heart was hammering in his chest and adrenaline was surging through his veins. His mind was roiling, everything caught up together in a confused tangle. He reached for his sword, only to realize it wasn’t on his back. He frantically glanced around, and caught sight of Tifa sprawled on the floor nearby. 

Her eyes were frightened, and she had her hands up in a placating gesture. 

“It’s me, Cloud. It’s alright. You’re safe.” She said slowly, calmly, as if talking to a wild animal.

“Where’s my sword?” He snapped. 

He felt bad to see her flinch at his harsh tone, but he felt exposed and vulnerable. Terror surged through him, icy cold. 

“It’s right here, don’t worry.” She said, gesturing to the sword in question leaning against the wall right beside them.

Cloud nodded, and took several deep breaths. He could see Tifa watching him, out of the corner of his eye. She slowly lowered her hands, and picked herself up off the floor. Her movements slow and telegraphed, so not to startle him.

Once the haze of terror that had settled over him began to abate, he looked around at his surroundings. He was in a bed, in a cozy room. There was another bed, against the far wall. An Inn of some kind? It didn’t seem to be Midgar style. Too rustic. 

“Where am I.” Cloud bit out sharply.

Tifa had retreated to a chair at the base of his bed, her gaze was heavy.

“We’re in Kalm. You… Well, you passed out on us. Had some kind of fit. Once it became clear you were unresponsive, we figured it would be best to get you somewhere safer than the middle of the Midgar wastes.” 

He nodded once, at her words. They lapsed into silence. He knew Tifa would want to ask him some questions, but he was terrified of the lack of answers he could give her. 

“Where are the others?” He asked, eventually. 

“Barret went to go stock up on supplies. Aerith went with him, wanting to see what life in a small town was like. I think Red went to find somewhere to sleep for the night outside. He claims he’s had enough of being stuck inside for a while and that the weather will be nice tonight.” Her words were gentle.

“Was there any trouble on the trip here?” He asked, needing to know he didn’t put them in jeopardy by being useless.

“We ran into a few Kalm fangs, but handled them easily enough. Aerith can be a force of nature when something is standing in her way.” 

“Don’t I know it.” He muttered to himself, thinking back to his quick stint as her bodyguard.

He hated the tone Tifa was using, as if he was some fragile thing needing to be handled delicately. Worse still, he knew it was true in this moment. 

“Cloud… what _happened?_ ” She asked eventually. 

“Tifa.”

“Don’t try and tell me you’re fine. You’re obviously not. What’s going on? This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it’s definitely the worst that I know of. I’ve been trying to trust you, when you say it’s nothing or that you’re fine. But, I’m worried about you.” 

He sighed. She deserved an answer, he just didn’t know what to tell her.

“Please, just be honest with me. I want to help.” She pleaded, sensing his hesitation.

A few more moments passed, and Cloud battled with himself. How could he tell her he couldn’t trust his own mind, that he didn’t think he knew who he was?

She pushed herself out of the chair, looking subdued, and Cloud couldn’t bear to see that look on her face. “Fine. You don’t have to tell me-” 

“Wait.” He began. 

She paused, then settled on the end of the bed.

“I’m not sure what to tell you, because I don’t know what’s going on.” 

It wasn’t an answer, but it was something. Honesty, at least, and probably all Cloud could manage right now. Everything was still too raw and recent.

“I keep having flashes of memories. Although, I’m not sure if they’re even my memories or not. They don’t line up with what I know. What I think I know.” He spoke to the faded blanket, refusing to meet her gaze.

He didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes. He didn’t want to see her looking at him as though he was something that needed protecting, when it should be the other way around. He should be protecting her. That’s what he promised her. 

Suddenly, a warm weight pressed itself against him. Arms threw themselves around his shoulders, pulling him close. He gasped in surprise, unsure how to handle the sudden contact. His hands floated uselessly in the air. 

“I’m sorry.” Tifa said, her face pushed into his shoulder. “That sounds horrible.” 

After a moment, she pulled back enough to see his face. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out together.” Her smile warmed him, and he felt himself relax.

The moment was abruptly ended. He heard heavy footsteps making their way towards the room, signalling Barret’s return.

“I need some time to think.” Cloud told Tifa, removing himself from her hug. 

He needed to sort some things out, figure out what his conflicting memories meant. Or, at least, figure out a way to make sure this did not _happen again_. 

He brushed past Barret just as he stepped inside the room, ignoring his demands for answers.

“I need some air.” He said sharply, cutting off any more protests.

***

Cloud recalled what he could about Kalm. A small town on the edge of the Midgar wastes, their economy was based around the Mythril mines to the south. The town was much smaller than Midgar, with a much slower pace of life.

He didn’t have the ability to enjoy it at all, just needed to find somewhere quiet to sit and think. The threads of memory in his mind were scrambled and tangled and he didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t and it was too much.

He finally found a space on the wall, facing the mountain ranges to the south. Mountains had always calmed him. He loved seeing the tall peaks rising up, towering over him.

He needed to ask someone, to try and get his memories in order. But who? Tifa wouldn’t have any answers. He needed someone to fill in the last 5 years, and he had seen her just before that. Barret, Aerith, and Red were equally as unhelpful. He had only met them recently, and those memories felt solid enough to trust. They couldn’t fill in the blanks. 

If only he could ask the dark haired man, but Cloud couldn’t even remember his name, never mind know who he was or how to find him. 

“It’s hard, isn’t it.” A soft voice, from behind him.

Cloud turned around to see Aerith. She gave him a small, sad smile.

“What is?” He asked, confused.

“Having memories that don’t fit with your experiences. I know what it’s like, a bit. To have memories that don’t match up to what you know.” Her words were gentle, understanding.

She sat down on the wall beside him, pink dress blowing in the wind. For a moment, they sat in silence watching the sky darken above them. 

“You know something, don’t you. About the Whispers, about the destined outcome of things.” Cloud said, breaking their silence. 

“I do, a bit. Only a few small moments. But, it doesn’t matter now. We’re free to make our own paths. Our future is a blank page.” There was an unusual heaviness to her words, and Cloud wondered what it was that she had seen.

He had seen Sephiroth returned from the dead, one of their friends was a talking wolf-lion with a flaming tail, and they had defeated a towering manifestation of fate itself. Cloud wasn’t going to question Aerith getting glimpses of a destined future, it seemed the least strange of all the things that had happened.

He pulled his knee up, and rested his chin upon it. He thought about how to say what was happening to him. 

“I don’t know who I am. I have memories that don’t match up with what I thought I knew.” He refused to meet Aerith’s gaze, choosing to stare out at the rolling fields. 

Aerith waited patiently for him to continue. 

“I have these memories, just flashes really. Of a dark haired man with mako eyes. He died on a cliff top overlooking Midgar, but he didn’t?” 

He felt Aerith stiffen beside him, heard her breath catch. But, she relaxed a moment later.

“Go on.” She prompted.

“I feel the grief I must’ve felt when he died. But, I’m not sure who he was or how I knew him. It feels real, it happened. But, I also remember him surviving. He took us to Midgar, we were going to become mercs together.” Cloud’s voice wavered. 

Aerith hummed thoughtfully, considering the situation.

“How can I remember him dying, but not dying? Did something happen to me? I have no memories of 5 years of my life. Does he have something to do with it? Did something happen to me? None of this makes sense.” 

“Perhaps, it was something that happened when we defeated the Whispers. Perhaps, he was destined to die. But, once their influence was removed, he was free to make his own fate. And he survived. That would be just like him, he always was too stubborn for his own good.” Aerith’s voice trailed off, the last words a soft whisper.

“Did you know him?” Cloud asked, desperate for answers.

“Oh? Hmm. Maybe. I’m not sure if it’s the same person. If it is, and he’s alive, he’ll find us. I’m sure of it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super self indulgent. Squeenix is not going to give this to me, so I wrote it myself.

Tifa and Barret joined them on the wall, eventually. The sun had set, and the sky had been painted with stars. Even above the plate in Midgar, there was too much light pollution to be able to truly see the night sky. Since Kalm was so much smaller, the night got much darker. The view was stunning.

Aerith gasped in awe when she first realized what she was seeing, the depth the night sky could have.

“I never knew there were so many stars!” She whispered.

“Living in Midgar, this was probably the thing I missed the most. It’s sad, to not see the familiar constellations.” Tifa answered, a big smile on her face. “It’ll be even better, the nights we spend camping out.”

“Really?” Aerith gasped. “Then maybe… maybe leaving Midgar won’t be so bad. Maybe it’ll be worth it.” 

“I s’pose you wouldn’t know any constellations, would you Aerith?” Barret asked. “I’ve tried to teach ‘em to Marlene, but it’s hard when you can’t see ‘em.” 

“No, I don’t. The Cetra probably probably did, but my birth mother never got a chance to teach me, if she even knew them.” The sadness in her voice was palpable, but she quickly covered it up. “I’d love to learn, if you’re willing to teach me!”

“Course I would!” Barret said, grinning happily.

Cloud had considered leaving, he had nothing to contribute to this conversation. A gentle hand on his arm from Tifa stopped him, however.

“Please stay.” She whispered.

He paused for a moment, thinking, before relenting. “Okay.” He whispered back.

The moment was enjoyable, relaxing. It felt… nice, to be laying out under the stars with his friends. 

“I wonder if Red knows different constellations from us.” Tifa mused, when Barret started talking about Bahamut’s constellations. “Or, has different stories for them.”

“Ooh, that would be very interesting!” Aerith said. “We’ll have to ask him when he joins us again.” 

They stayed there until well into the night. Barret went over every constellation he knew, making sure Aerith could recognize it and knew the associated story. Tifa chimed in whenever Barret overlooked any details.

Cloud’s worries slipped away, for the moment. He knew he would have to eventually deal with finding out who he was and what happened to his memories, but right now that felt like a distant worry. He just existed in the present, enjoying the stars. 

***

Eventually they returned to the Inn. The night had gotten chilly, and Barret insisted they needed to get some rest for their early start in the morning.

When Cloud stepped through the doorway to the Inn, his world ground to a halt. There, chatting animatedly to the innkeeper, was the dark haired man.

At the sound of the door, the man turned to see who had come in. Upon seeing Cloud, his grin turned blinding.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Just what did you get yourself involved in, in the few hours I left you alone, huh?” He said with a laugh.

He made to walk towards the group, but pulled up short when he saw who else was there.

“Aerith?” He gasped.

“Hi Zack, it’s been a while.” She gave a polite wave.

“What are you doing here? And is that… Tifa? This is quite the group.”

Cloud only dimly heard the conversation, his searing migraine had returned with a vengeance. He raised his hand to his head, trying in vain to dull the sharp pain. Emotions surged through him, too overpowering to easily recognize. A voice echoed in his head.

_Me and Cloud here are both backwater experts! Oh yeah!_

_So you wanna be in SOLDIER? Hang in there._

_Once we’re all done, let’s go grab a bite to eat. My treat._

_Cloud! Together again, huh?_

Cloud knew this man. They were… friends? How could he have forgotten a friend? He didn’t have very many. 

“Hey, buddy, you alright? Cloud?” The man leaned forward into Cloud’s field of view.

“Who.. who are you?” Cloud asked, gritting his teeth through the pain. 

“Whoa, Cloud, buddy, it’s me! Zack!” The man- Zack- looked worried.

Tifa ducked into view as well, concern creasing her face. 

“I don’t-” Cloud was interrupted by another wave of pain.

“Let’s get you somewhere quieter.” Tifa said, her voice soft.

“What’s wrong with him?” The worry in Zack’s voice was palpable. 

“I’m not sure.” She answered.

Tifa caught him gently by the arm, pulling him towards the stairs. He noticed Zack hadn’t moved, watching with a look of hurt confusion.

“I need to talk to you, come with us.” Cloud ground out, not wanting to let his opportunity for answers get away from him.

They made their way up the stairs to one of the rooms they had rented for the night. Barret had excused himself, recognizing that something messy was going on. Cloud dimly heard Aerith apologizing, trying to explain briefly what was happening.

By the time they made it upstairs, the worst of Cloud’s headache had receded. He had gotten more flashes, snippets of missions, life at Shinra. Cloud felt like he had all the pieces in a puzzle, but didn’t know what the final image was supposed to look like. Things didn’t quite fit together yet. But, now that Zack was here, he was determined to solve it.

As soon as the door shut behind them, Cloud rounded on Zack. 

“I need answers, and you’re going to give them to me.” He snapped.

Zack’s eyes widened in surprise, and he raised his hands in surrender. 

“Yeah, okay. That’s not a problem.” Zack agreed quickly.

“First, who are you?” 

“Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st class. Well, ex-SOLDIER, I suppose.” 

Cloud nodded. A SOLDIER buddy, then. That made sense. So, he _did_ have a friend in the order. He didn’t want to be snappish with a friend, but he needed answers, answers he knew this man had.

“Alright. What happened five years ago. Why am I missing so much time?” 

Zack’s demeanor abruptly changed, the worried wariness was replaced by a kind of shuttered pain, an attempt to mask a deep hurt. Cloud didn’t like seeing that expression on his face, it made something inside him twist uncomfortably. Zack was supposed to be the cheerful one. Seeing this brittle expression on his face was wrong. But, Cloud needed to know.

“Do you remember the mission to Nibelhiem?” Zack asked, his tone grave.

“Yes. But nothing after that.” 

“Sephiroth lost it, burnt the town to the ground. We confronted him at the reactor. He and I fought, but he bested me. I honestly don’t know exactly what happened after that, only that we were found by Hojo. He experimented on us for four years.” - A gasp from Aerith. Cloud had forgotten she and Tifa were even in the room- “I managed to wake up, to get us out. But, you wouldn’t wake up. You had severe Mako poisoning. It took a year, but I got us to Midgar. Then, you woke up on me and disappeared.”

Cloud nodded. That explained the memory gap. But, something still didn’t make sense. Either Zack was lying, or Cloud was missing something else. 

“I remember Nibelheim, but I don’t remember you being there.” He narrowed his eyes, trying to gauge Zack’s reaction.

Zack looked dumbfounded. “Wha- But, I- Huh?” 

“I remember Nibelheim. I remember being sent on a mission there, with Sephiroth as my partner, to investigate the missing workers at the reactor. We didn’t call for any backup. It was just us and a few troopers.” Cloud said, gritting his teeth against a rising swell of pain.

“Cloud, that was _me_. I was dispatched with Sephiroth to investigate the reactor. You were one of the troopers.” 

“No- No! I wasn’t… I was SOLDIER. I was-” It was becoming harder and harder to trust in it, to trust in himself. 

“He’s right, Cloud. It was Zack who came to Nibelheim. I had no idea you were there at all ‘till you mentioned it the other day. I didn’t know how to bring it up.” Tifa added, a growing look of concern on her face.

Cloud gasped in pain, backing away from everyone. It couldn’t be true, could it? He found his confidence in himself had crumbled to dust. What he had once trusted as solid ground was giving way beneath him.

“It’s the Mako poisoning. It must’ve scrambled your memories. I’m sorry, Spike.” Zack said softly. “You never made SOLDIER. You wanted to, and I’m sure you would have, but you never had that chance.” 

It was the final nail in the coffin. He could feel his false memories giving way. Everything he had thought he had known about himself had been a lie. He wasn’t a hero, never had been. He was just a failure. One who couldn’t accept it and fabricated a whole history to ignore it. 

Cloud roughly shoved past, and stormed out into the hall. A chorus of shouts chased him, but he ignored them. He just needed space to think. 

***

Cloud had been halfway down the street before he realized he had grabbed his sword. No, Zack’s sword. He’d have to return it to the man at some point. The thought of giving it up left him feeling strangely bereft. It was just a sword, but it felt like more than that. 

Cloud gazed at it as he walked. Memories flitted to the surface, absent of the usual pain. _You’ll be my living legacy_. A tragic death, within sight of the goal. But Zack was alive. 

Things were coming back. Slowly, but surely. It felt like removing a heavy layer of dust, seeing the truth underneath that had been obscured.

Cloud found himself, once again, walking the city walls. It was very late, everyone sensible was in bed. Footsteps broke the silence, alerting him to someone’s arrival.

“I was really worried, you know. When I returned and you were gone. I had no idea what had happened.” Zack said, joining him on the wall. “I’m really glad you’re safe.” 

“I was… confused.” Cloud answered the unspoken question. “I just left, I think, and ran into Tifa. Didn’t remember you.”

“Mako poisoning’s a bitch. Honestly, the fact that you’ve recovered so well is a miracle. I never wanted to admit it, that year I dragged you around, but the chances of you waking up had to be pretty slim. You’re made of some pretty tough stuff. I mean, I already knew that, but damn Spike.” Zack tried for a laugh, but his words were too heavy with concern.

“Hm.” 

“I managed to track you down, but I always seemed to be one step behind. Too late to ever help, always playing catch up. When I heard you’d left town, I figured you had to stop in Kalm. I knew it was my last shot to catch up to you. If you’d have left Kalm, you coulda gone anywhere.” 

“How’d you hear we’d left?” Cloud asked, curious. They hadn’t really told anyone cause they hadn’t planned on it. Everything had happened so fast.

“You were not subtle, Spike. A high speed chase down the expressway? With helicopters? The real accomplishment would’ve been if I hadn’t known. I feel like even _I_ could’ve been subtler than that.” 

Cloud chuckled, despite himself. At the sound, Zack’s face lit up.

“He laughs! I was wondering if you were still there, underneath all that prickliness. I suppose the attitude matches your look.” To emphasize, Zack reached over and tugged on a tuft of hair. 

Cloud swatted his hand away, failing to hide a smile. It felt… good. To be talking with Zack. Comfortable and familiar.

“What’ve you been up to, anyway?” Zack continued. “I heard you got involved with AVALANCHE.”

“Tifa. She was part of the group. It started as merc work, then just… kept going. It’s a long story.” Cloud replied.

“And now’s probably not the time for it. I get it. But, you’re not getting rid of me now that I’ve found you again, so you’ll have lots of time to tell it! Remember, we’re supposed to be merc’s together.” Zack said.

He tried to ruffle Cloud’s hair again, but he ducked out of range.

“Yeah, yeah.” Cloud tried to bite back a smile.

He sighed heavily, bracing himself for his next question and the answer he knew it’d bring.

“Was I really never a SOLDIER?” 

Zack was quiet for a moment, probably planning his words. 

“No. You were too young, too inexperienced. I was being honest earlier, you would have made it eventually.”

Cloud nodded, accepting that answer. It hurt, but he knew it was the truth, could feel it. The last of the pieces in Cloud’s mind slotted together, in their proper places and orientation. The sense of relief he felt was overwhelming. Suddenly, for the first time in a long time, he knew who he was. But, with it came a rush of insecurity, of shame. 

He also remembered Zack, truly remembered him. His friend, who looked out for him and encouraged him. Cloud trusted him, and found that he didn’t want to keep his insecurities bottled up anymore.

“I always wanted to be a hero. Left my hometown telling everyone I’d become SOLDIER. I made a promise to TIfa I never did manage to keep.” He confessed.

“Is that why you hid when we returned to Nibelheim?” Zack’s tone was very casual, free of any judgement. Cloud was very thankful.

“Yeah. I couldn’t face them, knowing I was a failure.”

“Hey, who told you you were a failure?” Zack’s voice was suddenly much sharper. 

“Huh?”

“You think the requirement for being a hero is being a part of SOLDIER? Being SOLDIER doesn’t automatically make you a hero.” A pause, heavy with a meaning Cloud didn’t quite grasp. “It doesn’t make you a monster either. You decide what kind of person you are.”

“Uh..”

“Cloud, I’ve heard about the things you accomplished in Midgar. You helped so many people. The slums were singing your praises. You’re a badass! Sure, you might have SOLDIER enhancements now, but that doesn’t change much. You could give anyone the Mako treatment, doesn’t make them a hero. You’re what makes you a hero.”

Cloud stared at him, stunned. 

“Tifa told me that you told her that you killed Sephiroth _by yourself_ , back in Nibelheim. Is that true? You probably saved a lot of people by doing that.”

“Yeah… but-”

“Nope, not buts. You fought _Sephiroth_ , the best SOLDIER _ever_ , and WON. I, meanwhile, had been soundly beaten. You, my friend, are a certified badass and hero. I’m sure Tifa would agree, if you asked her.”

“Thanks.” Cloud said, trying to disguise the thickness in his voice with a laugh.

“How’re you feeling? You got everything back now?”

“I’m not sure. There’s probably still stuff I’m missing, it might take a while for it to all come back. But, I’m not confused any more. I feel more confident in myself than I have in… a long while. Thank you.”

“That’s great to hear! You had me really worried. Memory loss isn’t something I can fight.” 

Cloud’s relief was short lived, followed immediately by a wave of undiluted grief. He had watched Zack die. Zack, who had passed on his hopes and dreams and honour to Cloud. Who asked Cloud to be his living legacy. But, Zack was also here in front of him. He was alive, by some miracle. 

Some of the distress must’ve shown on his face.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought we were having a happy moment.” Zack asked, frowning.

Zack reached across the space between them, laying his hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

“I watched you die.” Cloud said, softly.

“What are you talking about? Look, I’m alive! Alive and well.” He spread his arms wide in emphasis. 

“No, it happened. It happened, but we changed it, we-” He paused, taking a breath. “Aerith has a theory. It’s a long story.” 

Zack watched him for a moment, weighing his words. Eventually, he nodded, coming to a decision.

“Okay, I believe you. But, I’m here now! And like I said, you’re not getting rid of me.”

“Wait, just like that? I tell you that you died but we changed it, and you just believe me?” Cloud was incredulous. Who just believed something like that?

“Trust me man, I’ve seen some weird shit. Dying and coming back to life? Definitely not the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.”

They lapsed back into silence, but this time it was much more comfortable. Eventually, they made the unspoken decision to head back to the Inn. Cloud wondered if the universe was going to throw any other world shaking events at him, or if he’d be able to actually rest up for the rest of the night.

“Oh, I should give this back.” Cloud said, remembering the sword on his back.

He pulled it off the magnets on his back, handing it over to Zack. Zack took it from him, and held it for a moment.

“I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so I’m glad you did.” Zack laughed. “I didn’t want to seem insensitive. You seem attached to it.”

“Yeah, when you died you passed it on to me. Told me I was your living legacy. Now, I don’t need it anymore. I’ve got you back.”

“Really?” He groaned. “Of course I did. Passed it on like Angeal did with me. I’m glad you took such good care of it. I knew I could count on you.” 

Zack pulled him into a hug. Cloud tensed for a moment, before relaxing into the embrace. 

He knew Zack didn’t mean the sword, not entirely. It was the kind of praise Cloud had always wanted to hear.

“About what I’ve gotten involved in. Sephiroth is back. I’m not sure how, but Aerith says he’s the biggest threat to the planet. We’re going to stop him.” Cloud said, pulling back. 

“Wait, what? No, you know what, I’ll accept it. Fine, Sephiroth’s back.” Zack heaved a big sigh. “First Genesis, then Angeal, and now Sephiroth. Again. It never ends, does it.”

“Apparently not.”

“Well, like I said, you’re not getting rid of me. Even if it means I have to hunt down a friend. C’mon Spike, lets get some sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cut scene: 
> 
> “I hope you didn’t use the buster sword too much, wouldn’t want it to get worn or rusty.” Zack said, brushing his hand across the blade.
> 
> Cloud looked away, face heating up. All those Shinra boxes, all those monsters. 
> 
> “Nope, never used it once.” He lied.
> 
> ***
> 
> The first part of this is inspired mainly by the fact that I moved to a big city from a rural area 3 years ago, and I miss seeing the stars so intensely. It was a little cathartic. 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this! I hope everyone's doing okay with all the quarantine madness going on.


End file.
